The
worst part of the end of a relationship can be the lack of one. The
open-endedness and plaguing questions of why and how it all went downhill can
keep you up at night.
We’ve
all been there, waiting for answers that never came and wasting precious time
trying to get that closure from an ex who just wasn’t willing to give it.
There
are tons of books and magazines on how to get him, please him and make him
happy, but missing from much of that literature is practical advice on how to
get what you need, whether it’s answers, closure or the will to just get over
him.
I’ve
scoured libraries, the Internet and talked to experts searching for some
guidance to help deal with the ambiguous breakup of a relationship, but most of
what I learned didn’t come from any of those places. It came from experience.
It came from my girl friends’ experiences. And it came from being the one left
confused and broken-hearted.
Whether
it was a long drawn-out breakup or one that ended abruptly without warning,
below are some tips on how to move on to bigger and better things—specifically
a new you.
1.
Play it cool. The first months after the end of a relationship is spent
deconstructing, overanalyzing and explaining to every one you ever met what
went wrong. Instead of jumping straight to the trash talk about how he wasn’t
good in bed, try keeping mum on the subject. This doesn’t mean you need to
praise him or avoid the topic altogether, but talking it to death will bore
your friends and scare new guys away. According to one book I actually found
insightful, Delphine Hirsh’s
The
Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Breakup, “You don’t want your friends to feel as
though their lives are unraveling as well or they will not be very helpful to
you.” Not only will staying tight-lipped on the subject keep your name clear of
drama, but it will baffle him as to why you aren’t pouring with distraught.
Win-win.
2.Take
some responsibility. We tend to either blame the breakup on ourselves or
entirely on him, and neither really gets us anywhere.
A
good friend of mine told me about an umpteen-paged letter she wrote to an ex
specifically describing how he hurt her and the fault she was willing to claim.
She never sent it. At first I didn’t really understand the point, but then I
realized venting on paper can be cathartic. There’s a big different between
wanting someone and needing someone, and if it’s the latter (which is often the
case) taking some credit for the breakup will help you realize why the breakup
was for the best.
3.Don’t
play the victim. Women always tend to be the helpless and wounded in movies,
and it’s seemingly no different when it comes to relationships. According to
the American Psychological Association, women are twice as likely to develop
depression than men.
Don’t
get me wrong, the sympathy is nice when we feel lost and lonely, but it only
makes us that much more vulnerable. Be strong and positive. Easier said than
done of course, but the stronger-willed we are, the less likely we are to make
bad decisions and be taken advantage of by the hard-to-resist rebound.
4.Work
on you. One of the worst mistakes we make after a bad breakup is letting
ourselves go physically, mentally, emotionally—or all the above. We tend to
break down and spend too much time in our sweatpants wallowing.
And
wallowing is good—even needed—for a certain period of time. But after the
initial breakup shock has worn off, we need to get off the couch and take care
of ourselves.
After
a devastating breakup with an ex, I spent months in bed, most of which remains
a blur of time I’ll never get back. Lesson learned. Treat yourself to a
manicure or some new highlights. Living well really is the best revenge.
5.Refocus
your life. This step is the hardest because it forces us to admit the
relationship is completely over. Sit down and make a new list of
priorities—sans ex—and figure out what is important to you. Give precedence to
your family, friends, career and yourself. Find ways to fill that time left
void by him and try new things. Push for that promotion, reconnect with old
friends and take a mini-vacation with your mom or sister. Whatever it is, just
count him out.
Now
a lot of these tips may seem a little facetious and even idealistic, but the
key to getting the closure you need is focusing less on the reasons surrounding
the split because you may very well never get them. Allow yourself to cry and
rely on friends.
Allot
yourself that time. Just remember how much time we all spend pining after
ex-boyfriends that didn’t even give us the time of day to offer an explanation.
Then think about how much time it takes to find a new guy and build a better
relationship. You do the math.
