The Man Wey Dey Reason Part 5

“Baba Jay who buy dis Bread and Akara wey una
dey chop?” Snoop asked as we got home. “na
Brainbox oh” Baba jay responded. Man looked at
the direction of Brainbox and said, “Brainbox why
u wear my trouser na?”. “No vex i go soon pull
am” Brainbox responded.
Brainbox loved spoiling other peoples things and
saving his own, i hated him for that because he
had spoilt so many of my things when we were at
Umunkoto.
“MOG is Pkc not coming back tonight?” Snoop
asked. “Yes oh, he will be sleeping in the church
because he will be leading the early morning
prayers tommorow” MOG responded.
The first night i slept in the church, i concluded
that the mosquitoes there were “Holy
mosquitoes”. If you are an unbeliever and you
sleep in the church for a night, the next morning
you would surely give your life to Christ.
The mosquitoes can sting the living daylight off
you. The first night i slept there with Pkc and my
cousin Tochiba, i cried althrough the night. They
gave me a “per seconds billing” stinging, and the
next morning my skin was swollen. But i
wondered why Pkc still loved sleeping there, or
were the mosquitoes tired of his blood?.
“something is smelling like indian h’emp here, do
any of you smoke?” MOG inquired. “No oh, na
that Flow perfume wey all of us spray oh, the
perfume dey smell like Igboh” Man told a fat lie.
One thing i loved Man for was that you can’t just
throw him off guard, he had a response to every
question from his arsenal of lies. He should have
been called “LIEnus” instead of “Man”. “no, i am
sure somebody smoked amongst you guys, i
sense the smell once someone that just smoked
comes around me” MOG said. “but how do you
know?” Brainbox asked.
“dis Brainbox no get sense oh, see the kin
question wey him dey ask, if MOG com say him
wan smell our mouth nkor? Brainbox na because
u no dey smoke nahim make u wan cast us abi?” I
tot.
“how wont i know, don’t u know before i gave my
life to Christ, i was the number one Man of in Poly
Nekede where i schooled, i smoked more than
chimney, i was a chain smoker, so if i come across
a weed smooker i could tell by just smelling the
person’s cloth” MOG narrated. One hearing that, i
saw Snoop moved his body a bit in other for
MOG’s weed sensitive nose not to percieve the
smell of weed emanating from his cloth, Man also
did the same. But i did not move my body
because i wasn’t putting on my cloth, “abi him dey
smell person skin sef?” i asked myself.
“that person that smokes, pls change ur ways oh,
Jesus Loves u, i pray God arrest you soon, In Jesus
name” MOG prayed. “AMEN!!!” we all chorused.
Next morning, as early as 8am man woke me up.
And he told me we should start preparing for
work. I woke Brainbox also. The others were still
sleeping.
“we no go chop before we go?” Brainbox asked.
“no worry we go chop vegetable soup for Mama
Calabar place” Man responded. “who be Mama
calabar?” Brainbox asked. “when we reach there u
go see her” Man answered(his usual way of
answering such question).
Why i so much liked Mama Calabar canteen was
because the place was neat. Not only that,
because that was the canteen most kponkpon
workers ate their breakfast. “mehn! Calabar
women sabi cook oh, i must marry Calabar
woman oh” i concluded as i munched my kingsize
meat.
Mama Calabar canteen wasn’t far from our “place
of work”, so we walked down gulping our sachet
water, like the ghetto boys we were.
“e get one old man wey i want make we go see,
him name na Old solja, nahim be security man for
dis site for night, na him hand key to where dem
dey put cement dey dey, but as him no dey
around dat yesterday him give me the key day
before yesterday make i hold am, but him call me
dis morning say him don come back, so make we
go greet am because that man dey help me well
well, na him house i dey go drink water
sometimes sef, him house no far from here” Man
explained.
“Old Solja good morning” we chorused as we got
to the shanty house. “unu morning” he
responded. “unu come to work?” Old Solja asked,
“yes Sir” Man answered. “unu Madam never
come?” he asked again, “yes sir, she never come,
so we say make we come greet you na” Man
responded. “unu don try as unu come, make unu
sidon na” Old Solja said offering us seat. I
wondered why he replaced “una” with “unu”.
Infact i lost count of how many times he
mentioned the word “unu” for the five minutes
we stood in front of his house. The “unu” was
becoming a rhyme. “no Old Solja, no worry we go
soon go sef, our Madam go soon come, this na my
two friends, this one name na Flow, dis one name
na Brainbox, i come show dem to you” Man
added.
“ok unu don dey go?” Old solja asked, “we don
dey go sir” our spokesMAN responded. “únú
n’gbàmbo” Old solja mentioned the word “unu”
again but this time in Ibo.
Work started earlier that morning.
“Brainbox how come u dey three bags and i still
dey two bags na?” i inquired. “wetin u call me, no
be Brainbox? Ehnn i use my brain dey work na. U
dey use power, me i dey use brain nahim make”
Brainbox responded. “Flow come with me to carry
more bags of cement from the Cement store”
Madam Ifeoma ordered.
As i walked behind her, i continously gazed at her
Television shaped Ikebe, making my d’ick to rise.
My d’ick bulged out of my working trouser
forming a mountainous culve.
We got there, she entered the store and showed
me the bags of cement i was to carry. I carried it.
My d’ick was still as hard as a rock, it seemed she
saw my standing d’ick so she said, “what is this?”
pointing to the direction of my d’ick. “na my
Chiarman, the thing no dey respect himself, na
wetin my Papa give me, shebi u sef get wetin ur
Mama give u for ur back?” i almost said.
She wasn’t actually pointing at my d’ick, she was
pointing to a bag of cement that has torn and the
cement was pouring out. I told her i would come
back to carry that particular bag for us to make us
of its content.
I moved close to the door and Madam Ifeoma
was still standing at the door with her “big nyash”
facing me, she couldn’t even hear the “excuse me”
i was saying. “abi dis woman want make i use my
p’rick nak her nyash? My p’rick go break be that
oh” i tot. “Excuse me!” i yelled, oweing to the fact
that the cement on my head was almost breaking
my neck bone. She finally gave way.
As i finished carrying 12bags of cement from the
store to the site my neck failed me, i was walking
like a robot, “so una go dey here dey work, i go go
carry cement wey una go take work abi? Na Ojoro
oh” i almost said.
Work ended by 5pm, i mixed four bags of rice and
beans, Brainbox mixed Six, Igbakwambo and
Ochagbuoria mixed countless bags.
“oboy i dey hungry oh” I said. “i go carry una go
Soroagwa place go chop Akpu and Ofe Oha” Man
said. “who be Soroagwa na?” Brainbox inquired.
“no worry when we reach there u go see am” Man
answered(his usually way).
Man had a place to satisfy every of his urge,
ranging from; Obele place to Paapa place to
Mama Calabar place and Now to Soroagwa place,
who knows where next, maybe Heaven place?
The only thing i could tell was that Soroagwa in
Ibo means “follow this attitude”. If only time could
speak, it could have told me what lies ahead at
Soroagwa Canteen.
“Soroagwa give me Akpu and Ofe Oha, u go put
three meat oh” Man ordered as we got to
Soroagwa canteen. “wetin i go give u?” Soroagwa
was asking me. I wasn’t listening, i was busy
staring at my u’gly skin, “see me wey i be fine
yellow boy before, see as cement don spoil my
skin, wetin i go do dis my skin now” i tot.
“Bros wetin i go give u na?” Soroagwa asked again,
“ehen, give me the same thing wey u give my guy
but my own go be two meat oh” i responded.
“what of u nkor?” he asked Brainbox. “me i want
the same thing but u no go put meat” Brainbox
responded. “but Brainbox, why u no want meat
na?” Man inquired. “u no know say doctor say
make i no dey chop meat?” Brainbox responded.
“u dey lie abeg, u dey chop meat well well, u no
wan just spend ur money, how much be meat
na?” i said. “Brainbox!! Brainbox!!” i cheered.
“Brainbox enjoy ur money oh, dead body no dey
enjoy oh, na only people wey dey alive dey enjoh
oh” Man added.
Brainbox was a very stingy guy. When we were in
Umunkoto, he would tell me he had no money on
him, and that he had not eaten since morning, he
would even ask me to give him some money for
him to go eat, with the way he begged for money,
they was no way i would not have given him. After
giving him the money, the next moment i would
see him drinking beer at a bar. “abi person fit
drink beer for empty belle?”.
As we ate the food, i continued staring at the
patches of dried cement on my skin. Then,
someone came in. Kate. The adorable Kate.
“pls i want to buy Food” She said bringing out her
food flask. On seeing her, i left my mouth ajar,
with a ball of Akpu in it. She turned to our
direction and i quickly swallowed the ball of Akpu.
“hello!” she said, “hi!” i was the only one that
responded to her greeting, others were carried
away by the delicious Ofe Oha. “ehen whats that
ur name?” she asked looking at my direction. My
brain instantly failed me. I instantly caught
Amnesia. “wetin make u wan know my name na” i
almost said. “ehnnn my name is ehnnnn Just call
me Flow” I stammered. “OK Flow, what are all
these whitish things on ur body, are u well at all?”
she asked. “ehnn i am not well, i have chicken
pox” I lied. At that moment i had Brainbox and
Man giggled, “una dey mad there, na only my
body be like dis?” i cursed within. “ayah!! Get well
soon ok” Kate said and walked out.
“abeg i no dey hungry again, make we dey go
house” i said as i sat down to continue eating.
“mumu!! na because of u fall ur hand for Kate,
nahim make u no dey hungry again” Man said, “no
i don belle full” i responded. “but before we go,
we go enter Oga Benson side go buy Tea” Man
added.
“that Kate thing don pass and u still dey laf” i said
to Brainbox as we walked home. He continued
laughing. What he never knew was that a fight
was waiting for him at home.
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The Man Wey Dey Reason Part 4

We left Obele’s canteen at about 6pm and we
walked home slowly. Slowly was how my two legs
could move because my third leg couldn’t help
hasten my steps. It was weak.
“all my body dey pain me oh, my p’rick sef dey
pain me” i complained. “ehen, make we go Oga
Benson shop go buy the drug” Man said. “wetin be
d drug name sef?” i inquired. “the drug name na
Tramadol, but i baptize am, com give am new
name, the new name na Tea. So if we reach there
na Tea we go say we wan buy, if not Oga Benson
no go sell for us” Man responded. “him say plenty
Kponkpon boys dey over use the drug, say one of
the boys almost die because him take overdose of
the drug. Dat na why him no wan dey sell am for
anyhow person, na why him code the name of the
drug as Tea” Man added.
We bought the Tramadol or rather Tea and
headed straight home.
We met only Baba jay at home. “Baba jay u don
chop so?” Brainbox asked Baba jay as we got
home. “i never chop dis nite oh, but i chop P-
square in the afternoon” Baba jay responded.
P-square wasn’t the twin guys that sings. It was
coined out of paw paw. It was yet another code
name.
Before i forgot, we had a neighbour i didn’t
mention earlier; the two big paw paw trees in our
compound. The trees that produced P-square.
“which Medicine una dey drink sef?” Baba jay
asked as he saw us swallowing the drug. “na Tea
oh” i responded. “no be only Tea, na cofee, abeg
tell me the medicine wey una dey drink jor” Baba
said. “ok na Tramadol” Man said, “aaaaah
Tramadol!! That drug wey be like c’ocaine, una
don take c’ocaine be dat oh” Baba jay said staring
at us keenly. On hearing what Baba jay said, i
instantly wished i could turn back the hands of
time, but it was too late because the Tramadol
was already seated in my stomach. “so i don drink
coco be dat? Baba jay dey lie abeg, how dis drug
go be coco” i tot, no knowing Baba jay was telling
us the fact.
“na ur papa go drink c’ocaine no be us” Man
insulted Baba Jay. “na my papa u dey curse like
dat? U no dey fear me? I be ur mate?” Baba jay
attacked. “how many years u be sef? Wey
everytime u go dey tell everybody say u be old
man” Man attacked. It was really a war of verbal
attack between Man and Baba jay. “i be 39 years
old, i be ur mate?” Baba said. I tot he said 29, not
until he repeated; “39 years na beans? I sure say
dem never even born u when i begin to drink
beer, even sef, e fit be say ur Mama be my babe
before she marry ur papa, before dem com born
u” Baba jay said. “u dey mad, no talk of Mama and
Papa like dat oh, i dey warn u oh” Man cautioned.
As the both of them continued raining abuses on
each other, all i was thinking was; “so Baba jay na
39 years, mehn him senior me with 12years oh”.
Baba jay looked a bit matured facially, but i never
expected he could be up to 39. I now saw why he
insisted he should be called “Baba jay” instead of
“Jay” because his name was Jachimike. He should
have told us to call him “grandpa Jay” instead of
“Baba jay”, because he was old enough to be a
grandpa, or so i tot.
Night fell gradually.
“make we go Paapa place na” Man said. “who be
Paapa?” I inquired. “no worry if we reach there u
go know” Man answered the same way he
answered when he was asked who Obele was.
The guy called Man, so much loved suspence, it
pisses me off. “i no want person wey go cut my
p’rick oh, like Obele do oh” i tot. “i go follow una
go Paapa place oh, make una wait for me oh”
Snoop shouted from outside.
As we were about leaving the house, someone
came in. MOG was his name.
“MOG!! MOG!!” we hailed. “God bless you guys” he
responded (his usual response when two or more
persons greets or cheers him).
MOG!! Aaaaah MOG!!. MOG was a short form for
Man of God. He was a junior Pastor in our church.
What i loved about him was that he was very
prayerful. What i disliked about him was that he
loved begging for money from his brethren and
even outsiders. If he wanted money from anyone,
he would simply preach to the person, and at the
end of his preaching he would say; “help the
ministry with anything, nothing is too big”. He
hardly says “nothing is too small”, because he was
wise enough to know that if he said that, he
would be given peanuts. If you say he converts
the Bible to a gun and uses it to rob people all in
the name of “the gospel”, you wouldn’t be far
from the truth. He hardly lacked money because
“na where man dey work, na there him dey chop”.
“where are u guys going to?” MOG asked. “we dey
go buy groundnut and bread wey we go chop”
Man told a big fat lie. “u guys should buy for me
also, i am very hungry, and am passing the night
here” MOG informed.
Or was groundnut and bread the code name of
what we were going to do at Paapa’s place? Only
time would tell.
“wetin we dey go do for Paapa place?” i asked as
we were walking down the street. “we dey go take
igboh for there, shebi una dey smoke igboh?”
Snoop inquired. “i no dey smoke igboh oh, i no
need my brain to die oh, i need am well well oh”
Brainbox said. “so we wey dey smoke, our brain
go die?” Man queried. “na una sabi na, me i don
dey go back house, i think say na food una wan go
chop for Paapa place nahim make me follow una”
Brainbox said and left. Sure, as an award winning
con artist he was, he really needed his brain to
always be at alert.
Paapa’s place was really a hideout for weed
smokers. Not only that, it was also a joint where u
could find several cultist from different cults.
“make police no come here come pack all of us
oh” i tot as i continued smoking. It was as if Snoop
read my mind, he said, “Flow no fear oh, here na
Government approved Igboh Joint”.
“Man, something wey be like Ant dey waka for my
chest oh, abi na the Tea wey i take?” i whispered
to Man as i was puffing from my second Jumbo.
“naso Tea dey do na, u no sabi say na ur chest ur
heart dey, the Tea dey pump blood comot for ur
chest go other part of ur body, na the blood wey
go give ur body the strength wey u go use do
kponkpon work Tommorow” Man explained.
“How u take know all dis things sef? U be Doctor?”
i said to Man. “i be Doctor na, Doctor of
kponkpon” he responded.
Just then, Tupac and Bigie came in. I saw from the
corner of my eyes that the both of them
anchored Snoop. Not a baggas anchor, but a
anchor, “so Tupac, Bigie and Snoop be Ave Maria?
So dem dey play Egede?”.
I almost joined the black brothers movement
when i was in sch. But why i didn’t join was
because, guys in that cult were mostly robbers.
Some were pilferers, others were pick pockets,
while some others had matured to become
highway robbers.
But i was sure Tupac, Snoop and Bigie were not
robbers, not knowing one of them was already a
household name for pilfering.
After i had smoked three Jumbo wraps, i walked
home with my guys. Sorry, I didn’t walk but flew
home, because i was on top of the world, flying
on eagles wings.
As i continued walking, i heard a voice spoke to
me, I turned, and it wasn’t any of my guys that
spoke. Yet another voice spoke.
The two voices now spoke together clearly for me
to hear. The following conversation ensued
between myself and the two voices:
“na me be Tramadol” the first voice said, “my
name na Igboh” the second voice said. “my own
name na Flow” i responded to the two voices
without my mouth moving.
Tramadol: Remove ur shirt.
Flow: why i go remove my shirt?
Igboh: because u be big boy.
Flow: i be big boy na, and i go remove am to show
u say i be big boy.
So i removed my shirt and singlet. I turned and
saw that Man, Snoop, Tupac, and Bigie were
carried away by the football argument they were
involved in. So they weren’t disturbing the
conversation with my newly found invisible
friends.
Tramadol: pull ur trouser
Flow: why i go pull my trouser?
Igboh: because u be president of Nigeria.
Flow: i no go pull am abeg, i no wear boxers
inside, u want make people dey see my prick?
Tramadol: ok go control that traffic for there.
I glanced at the road and saw that there was no
traffic jam, but all the cars were moving on high
speed.
Flow: but hold-up no dey na.
Igboh: Just go control am like dat, dem go dash u
money.
Flow: ok i go go.
I sheepishly walked to the direction of the road to
go control the traffic. I saw from the corner of my
eyes that my guys were still arguing football so
they never saw me leaving.
“hey you!! Stop there!! Hey you! move!!” i
commanded as i stood in the middle of the road.
The car i commanded to stop didn’t stop but tried
to catch break, so it made a loud screech as it
headed to my direction. I tot it had failed break.
For few seconds i found myself in the spirit world
sipping hennesey with Tupac shakur. “i don die be
dat oh” i thought.
What confirmed i wasn’t dead was when Man
shouted, “Flow that motor for kill u oh!!”..
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The Man Wey Dey Reason Part 3

“Flow na the site be dis, na me be the chief
kponpkon officer, shebi una carry una work cloth
come?” Man said as we got to a deserted bushy
place. “we carry am na, na wetin dem wan build
here sef?” Brainbox asked. “na big filling station
na, and we go chop money here well well,
because na me dey in charge here” Man said. “the
woman wey dey build am her pekin dey abroad,
her name na Madam Ifeoma, she dey come here
everyday come supervise wetin we dey do and
pay us our money after work” Man said. “na she
put me in charge of all the labourers wey dey
work here. She go soon come sef” Man added.
We removed our clean clothes, put on our
working clothes and sat down waiting for Madam
Ifeoma.
Soon, a labourer came. He introduced himself as
Igbakwambo. In Igbo language Igbakwambo
means a hustling fellow. A name that sure befits
him. He was stunted, muscular and fair in
complexion.
Then came another labourer. Ochagbuorie was
his name. In Igbo language Ochagbuorie means
Someone that works “hard” and eats “harder” i.e
Someone that spends his money on himself. He
was sure spending his money on himself because
he was wearing a fine perfume.
Ochagbuorie and Igbakwambo were not their real
names but names they gave themselves because
of the kponkpon job.
Madam Ifeoma came sooner than expected and
Man told her that we were his friends, that we
came to join the “white colar” job of kponkpon.
Work started. As Madam Ifeoma was instructing
us on how the work for the day would be like, i
caught a glimpse of how beautiful her face was. I
never knew there was something more beautiful
than her face behind her. Though she had some
gray hair, facially, she was not all that old. She
turned backing us and showing us how we were
to cast the concrete. I wasn’t paying attention to
what she was saying, rather i was staring at her
“television shaped” a’ss.
One bag of cement is to twelve headpans of sand
is to Ten headpans of thick gravel, was the ratio of
mixture.
Man and Ochagbuorie were to dress the concrete
floor, while the rest of us were to mix and pour. It
was all man for himself because the number of
bags you mix would determine the amount you
would be paid at the end of the day. The
“international standard” price for mixing and
pouring a bag was 600naira.
It wasn’t as easy as i tot. Though i was
inexperience in mixing, i quickly learnt from “the
master” Igbakwambo. I saw from the corner of
my eyes that Brainbox was still packing sand,
while i had already started mixing. “so naso u
lazy” i almost shouted at Brainbox. Madam
Ifeoma stood close while we were packing, she
counted the number of headpans we carried,
making sure no one cheated. Igbakwambo was
working as fast as the speed of light, as if he was a
graduate of first class in “kponkponology”.
“Igbakwambo!! N’agba mbo nwanne!!”
Ochagbuorie hailed.
Before i could say Jack Robinson, Igbakwambo
was on his fourth bag, he did the work with so
much dexterity and gusto. Meanwhile, i was on
my second bag while Brainbox was still on his first
bag.
My legs were getting hot due to the effect of the
moisture on it. I was working fast so as to catch
up with Igbakwambo, not knowing i would soon
regret ever coming to do kponpon.
Mehn!! The mixture was very heavy to carry.
Though i was putting on a face cap, it was as if i
was carrying it on my bare head. My neck couldn’t
move again, i was walking like a Robot. I was on
my Fourth bag, Igbakwambo was on his Seventh
bag, Brainbox was on his second bag. Instead of
me to give up the chase oweing to the fact that
there was no way i could catch up with
Igbakwambo, i was still pulling “Superman” stunt.
I was tired and hungry, but i still endured. As i
placed the headpan full to the brim with “rice and
beans” on my head, i heard a bone crack in my
neck, “abi my neck bone don break?” i asked
myself. Before i finished asking myself that
question………………………………
“puuuuuuuuuaaaaarr” the rice and beans i was
carrying on my head poured on my body making
me fall to the ground.
The next thing i saw was four men pouring water
on me. I initially tot they were the host of heaven.
I tot i was in heaven. One thing for sure was that
you can’t see bags of cement in heaven. I wasn’t
in heaven, i was in the store house where bags of
cement were stored.
“wetin bring me come here na? Work don finish?”
i asked at the same time. “work never finish oh,
we think say u don die oh, u fall for where u dey
work” Brainbox said. “but u don fall my hand oh,
why u no tell me say u no get power na” Man said.
“why u dey talk like dis na, shey i be like lazy
person?” i responded.
The other guys went to continue working while i
and Brainbox sat eating “bons” we bought from a
snacks seller.
“guy dis kponkpon work make sense oh” i said as
we walked home after work. “when i dey tell u say
kponkpon work na the best work, u no believe”
Man said. “Man wey dey reason!! Man wey dey
reason” I and Brainbox hailed.
It was for sure the best work like Man said.
because i was smiling home with 2400naira,
though the work i did was worth it. And if u
multiply 2400 by 30days in a month, then u would
aggree with me that Kponkpon work was more
Lucrative than a Bank job. I promised myself i
would put in more effort to earn as much as
Igbakwambo. It was only a promise.
“Brainbox how much u get sef?” i asked. “Omo na
1200 oh, but tommorow na another day sha” he
responded. If only Tommorow could speak. “oboy
i dey hungry oh” I said yawning. “we go chop na,
we go enter Obele canteen go chop” Man added.
“who be Obele?” Brainbox queried, “no worry
when u reach the canteen u go see who him be”
Man said. “guy all my body dey pain me oh” I
complained. “no worry, e get one strong drug wey
we go buy, if una dey drink dat drug everyday
after una work finish, una no go dey get body
pain, the drug dey give power, nahim i dey drink
sef” Man said. On hearing that, i was happy my
“kpokpon strength” would be enhanced by an
elixir. Not knowing the drug Man was talking
about was almost like c’ocaine, it was killing.
Obele!!The only thing i knew about Obele was that
Obele meant Small in English. I never knew the
person we would meet at the Canteen would be
small but mighty.
“Obele give me indomie and Egg, and u go make
custard for me sef, u go put enof milk for the
custard oh, so the blood wey don comot for my
body as i dey work go come back” Man said as we
entered Obele canteen. “Obele which soup una
cook?” i asked. “u dey mad? Dis place be like
where dem dey sell soup?” Obele cursed. “see dis
small pekin oh, na me u dey tell say i dey mad? I
be ur mate?” i said. “i be like small pekin for ur
eye? na ur papa be small pekin” Obele cursed. I
was getting mad at the way Obele was insulting
me. I never believed Children could be that rude.
It was driving me crazy.
I stood up and said, “na one hand i go take finish
u oh, ur mate dey primary sch, u dey here, who
be ur Oga sef?”. Man stood up, came close to me
and whispered to my ears saying; “guy na him be
the main Obele oh, him no get Oga oh, na him get
dis canteen oh”. I laughed out loud and said, “how
dis small short guy go get dis kin big canteen”. I
tot he wasn’t the main Obele, i tot there was
another Obele inside. “na me u dey call short
guy?” Obele yelled, keeping his guard and ready
to fight. “na me u wan fight? una no get old man
for una Village abi?” i yelled keeping my guard
also.
“Flow see small pekin wey u wan fight, u no dey
shame oh” i said in my mind. It was as if Man
heard what i said, he stood up, came close to me
and whispered to my ears: “Flow that Obele no be
small pekin oh, him just be like Aki and PawPaw
Wey dey act film, na Married man him be oh”. I
just wanted to beat the hell out of Obele so i
didn’t believe what Man told me. I didn’t believe
Obele was a Pigmy.
“i go beat u oh, i go blow ur face oh” Obele yelled.
“u wey short like dis, how ur hand go take reach
my face?” i tot. I never knew that even if his hands
couldn’t get to my face, there was somewhere it
could get to.
My d’ick.
He grabbed my d’ick with so much fury. I cried
out. I pleaded with him. I even told him i was
sorry, yet he still held my d’ick so tight. I heard a
sound as if something had burst. I tot my
s’crotum had burst. “Man make una beg for me
na, make him no cut my p’rick oh” i cried out.
Man and Brainbox came to my rescue saying;
“Obele abeg leave him p’rick na!! Obele abeg no
cut him p’rick!! Him no go call u small pekin
again!!”. “i dey mad wey i go call you small pekin?
u be big pekin oh!!!” i cried out.


Watch out for Part 4

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The Man Wey Dey Reason Part 2

“Ehnnn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop, if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle” A not too short and not too chubby guy introduced himself. “i be the Ibo boy wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto know me sef” he added after arranging the plates
of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up in Sokoto because his skin was as black as
charcoal. I knew all these guys as my church members, but I never knew them by their names, sometimes I always saw them with Pkc in church, but my relationship with them was just a “hello-hi”
relationship. They were my friends from a distance that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot.
Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge was called Ozommiri lodge. We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam. The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While the rest of us ate in two’s. “Man wey dey reason!!” Snoop hailed “dis ur food make sense oh”. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was eating with so much speed, despite the fact that the food was piping hot. “dis food no dey burn dis
guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?” i said that out of my mind’s mouth. “Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with u again oh” Man complained. “na me tell u say make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na, abi u dey fear?” Baba jay responded. “God forbid bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be man, i wan be woman” Man said as he tried increasing his pace. I had never lived in the same room with six guys all my life, so i was already savouring the euphoria of the relationship. Time to sleep, the bed was made. “na who go sleep for ground na?” Man asked. “Man just sleep for ground today abeg, tomorrow we go write the timetable for people wey go dey sleep for
ground” Pkc said. “dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey write timetable for, to cook na timetable,
to wash plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una wan write timetable” Tega said. “E good na, so quarel no go dey na” Baba jay said. We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before we started falling asleep one after the other. I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was the kind of funny house i would spend the next one year in. I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep me company just as he always did when we were
at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle of the night. I never knew a non-stop “thundering” sound and a “killing” stench would keep me
company that night. Braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa braaaaaaaaa!!” was what i heard. To be sincere, I initially thought it was thunder or maybe someone was
beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned left to take my first dose of the stench. Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other
a’nus but Baba jay’s a’nus for the fart “crime”.
I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but
also through my mouth because my mouth was
ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake,
Pkc was even snoring. “braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa
broooo!!” i heard another deafening fart. This
time the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a
force to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not
only was my stomach spinning, my eyes were
spinning also. I felt Something dangling in my
lower abdomen, was it my kidney? “yeeeeh! So
naso mess go make person get kidney failure?
God forbid!!” i said to myself “God! Man pekin go
suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis” i cried
out with both hands on my nose.
The room was dark and hot, i couldn’t see clearly.
10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding
when, “braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa” Baba
Jay gave me another dose.
I hurriedly went close to the window in other to
revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use
because the smell had clouded not only the room,
but outside.
“na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award
for Guiness book of record for the world best
mess” i remembered how Baba Jay introduced
himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of
records award for the world best fart, he also
deserved to be given a Grammy award, because
his fart was really Good music.
All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me
“overdosed”. It was like an elixir that cured the
insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby.
“Everybody, how was ur night?” Pkc asked the
next morning, “mine was disastrious” i said out of
my mind’s mouth.
“its time for morning devotion, Flow would lead
us in praise and worship while Man would lead us
in prayers” Pkc said, “why me na, i no get voice oh,
the mess wey Baba jay give me chop last nite don
make my voice dry oh” i almost said.
“worthy, u are worthy, king of kings lord of lords,
u are worthy” i began. I sang one song for
5minutes before i could think of another song. I
totally forgot songs, my brain went blank.
Now it was time for prayers. Funniest prayer ever.
“Baba God, how far, how heaven today” Man
began, “thank u for the match wey Chelsea win
yesterday, Baba God i say make i ask u oh, shey u
be Chelsea fan?” he continued, “Baba, i thank u
say me and my guys dey alive to see today, Baba
give me strength as i dey go mix rice and beans
today, in Jesus name” he concluded “Amen!” we
responded. “Man wey dey reason!!” they cheered
him. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a prayer,
but i promised myself i would later ask him the
meaning of “mix rice and beans”. “Man u need to
learn how to pray oh, that thing u just did now is
no prayer” Pkc said.
“if any of una wan carry woman come house, how
him go do am?” i asked Snoop as we sat outside
discussing that morning. “guy we dey carry am go
Tupac and Bigie room” he responded pointing at a
room at the extreme of the lodge. “we no dey let
Pkc know oh, because if him know, him go vex
well well, him no dey like dat kin thing” Snoop
added. “make we go there make Tupac and Bigie
see u and Brainbox” Snoop said. As we walked
towards Tupac and Bigie’s room, i saw from the
corner of my eyes that, Tega and Man were going
out, so Snoop asked, “Tega u dey travel?”, because
Tega was holding a bag. “yes, i wan enter warri”
Tega responded. There was no need to ask Man
where he was going to, it was obvious he wanted
to go mix rice and beans.
“Man, how far you don come back?” Baba Jay said
that evening. “ehn i don come, food dey house?”
Man asked, “food no dey oh, na Golden Morn we
drink” Snoop responded. When he said Golden
Morn, he never meant Nestle Golden Morn, he
meant Garri Golden Morn. When u drink Garri in
that house, you would simply say u drank Golden
Morn. It was the code name. I came to realize that
there were so many code names that i needed to
know their meanings. Code names like; mix rice
and beans.
“ehen, Man wetin be the meaning of mix rice and
beans sef?” i asked. “mix rice and beans mean say
to mix cement and gravel a.k.a to carry kponkpon”
Man said. “so na kponkpon work u dey do?”
Brainbox said, “yes oh, and the thing dey give me
money no be small, sometimes na me dey feed
dis house na” He added. “nahim u no tell us make
we follow u go?” i said. “i don tell Baba jay and
snoop before na, Baba jay say him too old for dat
kin job, snoop say him no fit carry kponkpon for
dis him fine hair wey him plait” Man said.
“guy we go follow u go tommorow oh” I said. “una
fit work? No be small work oh?” Man cautioned.
“na me be Brainbox wey get power, and dis my
guy na super Flow, u no see him chest?” Brainbox
said pointing at my broad chest.
Ozimmiri lodge was more of a family house than
a students hotel. Small but mighty. Our
neighbours were:
Mama and Papa Ejima; The young couple that had
a Four year old identical twin boys; Daniel and
David. Mama Ejima was so beautiful that the
moment i saw her i instantly had a crush on her,
but i dare not make any move because her
husband was a heavy weight boxer.
Mama Ejima was not as beautiful as Kate. The
delectable Drop dead gorgeous Kate. She was so
S’exy that the sight of her “mouth watering” a’ss
from a distance could make not only one d’ick,
but several d’ick to doff their hats, not to talk of
her coming close, “u go just release”. She was our
next door neighbour. She was very S’exy, but no
guy in the compound dare asked her out because
she was the perfect description of “u can admire
but u can have”. She was a “runs” babe that deals
mainly on Sugardaddies, “she no even get our
time sef”. I was told the whole guys(except Pkc)
went on a bet that whoever would sleep with her
would recieve 5k each from other guys. I and
Brainbox joined in the bet because we were sure
no guy from that compound would see Kate’s
panties, not even in dream world. Or so i tot.
Another neighbour we had was Tupac and Bigie.
These two guys had stuck to each other like bee to
nectar right from their childhood days. They
attended the same primary, secondary and higher
institution, and they were still staying together
searching for job. If i was told that they were the
reincarnation of American rappers, Tupac and
Biggie, i would believe, because they really looked
like them. Infact their lives were just the picture
perfect lives of Tupac and Biggie, because
inasmuch as they were close friends and
roomates, they were always at loggerheads. I only
wished a “Faith Evans” wouldn’t walk into their
lives pretty soon.
We also had Haruna and his wife Nkiru as
neighbours. Haruna doubled as the security man
and the caretaker of the compound. I was told he
had been into the security business since he was
Seven. A business that had carried him far and
wide Nigeria. He brags about marrying three
wives. One Ibo, One Yoruba, and One Hausa. The
Yoruba Lady, he Married when he was in Ibadan.
The Hausa Lady was in the north. While the Ibo
Lady was staying with him, her name was Nkiru.
Nkiru!! Oh Nkiru!! Nkiru was the u’gliest woman i
ever came across. She looked more like a wild
animal. Infact, it was better i died than marrying
such a “vampire”. I wondered what Haruna say in
her that made him marry her, well, like they say:
“beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. Infact
the only beautiful thing about Nkiru was that she
owns the provision store outside our compound. A provision store that guys wanted to run down with L101 and L102. L was a code name for looting. While 101 meant “one person” and 102 meant “two persons”, so L101 meant looting that involves one person, while L102 meant looting that involves two persons.Watch out for Part 3

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The Man Wey Dey Reason Part 1

“Aro rugged you, how far?” i said “anchoring” KC

with a frown on my face, “dis one wey ur face dey

like dis, Prof Nwosu don nak u home and away?”

Kc asked. “how u take know? guy him nak me

home and away oh, what of u?” i asked, “guy my

own na only away him nak me oh” Kc answered.

“so we go stay for this town for another one year

be dat?” I said. “naso oh, our mate go serve finish,

we go still dey sch.” Kc added.

Home and away was a slang we used in our

department to refer to double failure. First of all,

“Home” means if a lecturer is handling two

courses(1st and 2nd semester) and you fail the

first semester course, that means; “the Lecturer

don nak u home”. If you fail the second semester

course, that means; “the Lecturer don nak u

away”. But if u fail both courses, that means; “the

Lecturer don nak u home and away”. In my case,

the lecturer “nak” me home and away, Phy411

and Phy412.

“u get where u go dey stay?” i asked Kc. “i no get

oh, i go dey come from Port-harcout, i go dey

come once in a week” He responded. “me i dey

stay with my cousin for Nekede, i go dey come

anytime wey dem get lecture oh, u no say that

Prof wicked, and him dey serious with

attendance” I said. “him suppose consider us wey

be spill over students na” Kc said. “u no know that

man, set before our set wey get spill over dey

come lecture, na God go save us oh” I said as we

walked out of the sch compound.

“guy find me even if na 100 bucks make i take

enter bus go Nekede na” I said. “take, manage am,

na 50 bucks i get” Kc said offering me a worn out

50naira note. “u don try, u be correct man, half

loaf of Agege bread is better than chin-chin” i said

as i collected the money.

If there was one thing i seriously lacked lately,

that thing was Money. Even 50naira was a huge

amout of money to me.

I “anchored” Kc and walked slowly to where i

would board a bus. What i never knew was that a

bad news was waiting to be told at home.

“guy how far, chaw dey house? because the worm

wey dey my belle don chop my intestine finish oh”

i said to Brain Box as i got home. “guy chaw no

dey house oh, we dey wait make u come sef

before we go arrange chaw” Brain Box responded.

(chaw was a slang for food) “because na me be

una Mama na?” i said. “guy no be so oh, Tochiba

no get money and me sef no get money” Brain

Box responded.

Just then, Tochiba walked in and said, “our

landlord come today oh. Him say make we pack

comot for dis house oh, him say him give us from

now to next week Tuesday to pack comot oh”.

My bad!! i forgot to introduce my friends!! Brain

box was a boy from Mbaise. His brain was his

most priceless asset. In Nigeria, the most cunny

set of human beings are from Mbaise in Imo

state. An ibo Musician once sang that, “if u are in a

room where an Mbaise man and a snake is, first

kill the Mbaise man before u kill the snake,

because the Mbaise man is more dangerous than

the snake”. Dangerous was the perfect word to

describe Brain Box, sometimes he even scares

me. His cunny nature fetched him the name Brain

Box. He can even decieve the wisest of men. If i

said he was an award winning dangerous con

artist, i wasn’t far from the truth. Brain box also

had spill over, but not in my sch.

While Tochiba was my cousin, he was trained in

Alluminium roofing and window assembling. His

real name was Tochi, but he preffered to be called

Tochiba.

They were both the roomates i had. I loved them

so much. But what i never knew was that we

would soon be divided.

“how we go do am now?” i said as we sat in the

room the following day. “i don call PKC, him say

make una come stay with am for him house”

Tochiba said. “which one be make una come stay

with am for him place? U no go follow us go?”

Brain box asked Tochiba. “i dey go village go stay

oh, because i hear say some people dey build new

house for village, so alluminiun contract go dey

for me” Tochiba explained. I saw sense in his

decision.

PKC was a nice young pastor in our church. His

real name was Kelechi, KC for short. So PKC was a

short form for Pastor Kelechi. The guy was an

easy going guy. He was the kind of person that

could take a bullet for his friends, but he loved

food so much. The had a “ruminant” stomach. He

could eat a bucket full of Eba and still ask for

more.

“but guy u no try oh, u for tell us since say ur

house rent don dey expire so we for try hustle out

money” I said to Tochiba. “i no wan disturb una

na, abi na una follow me pay the last one wey i

pay? Una dey pursue una sch tins na, una need

money for una sch tins na” he responded.

Four day later, Tochiba had already packed his

properties to the village that morning.

As i and Brainbox walked from Umunkoto; where

we were staying, to Ozommiri; where Pkc was

staying with our bags, i was happy i wasn’t going

there alone, i was happy i was going with my

friend Brain box, not know i would meet alot of

very funny friends in Ozommiri.

We got to Pkc’s house on time to meet a full

house.

I quickly took a glimpse at the room or rather the

hall to notice it was as big as two convention

rooms put together. It had two wardrobes and a

wallpaper of Jesus was hung on the wall, on the

wallpaper was written; “THE LORD IS MY

SHEPHARD, I SHALL NOT WANT” boldly.

Though the room was beautiful, the number of

guys in the room added to its beauty.

I and Brainbox sat on the floor because there was

no space to seat on the bed. “man the food never

done?” one of the guys said with a loud voice, “e

don dey done” a voice responded from the

kitchen. “make e done quick oh, i dey hungry die” i

almost said.

It was time for introduction.

“na me dem dey call Baba Jay, i graduate from

FUTO, na me be the only guy wey collect award

for guiness book of record as the world best

mess, my mess fit break concrete” Baba Jay gave a

short but precise description of himself. “Baba

jay!! Baba jay!! Baba jay!!” the other guys cheered.

I and Brainbox laughed at such a funny

introduction.

“na me be Tega, the finest boy, fine boy no

pimples, i graduate from Nekede Poly, but i never

serve” Tega gave a short but sharp introduction of

himself. He was indeed fine (dat kin Chris brown

type of fine na).

“na me dem dey Call Snoop, i graduate from

IMSU, I still dey wait to go serve” Another guy that

really looked like Snoop Dogg said. Infact, if he

had said Snoop Dogg was his twin brother, i

would have believed.

“i am Pkc, the pastor of this house, i graduated

from IMSU too, but am currently doing God’s

work” Pkc said what i already knew. One thing

about Pkc was that even if he was in a gathering

where people spoke pigin English, he always stuck

to speaking English, and he had his way with

English words if i must confess. “Pkc, a.k.a every

mountain of Eba must be brought down” Baba Jay

added. I and Brainbox laughed uncontrollably

because we knew what that meant; Baba jay was

trying to tell us what we already knew. Pkc just

smiled in response.

“i be Brainbox, the wisest man, i even wise pass

Herbert Einstien sef, na why people dey call me

Brainbox” Brainbox said and i cheered him.

“na me be Flow, i dey Flow like butterfly and sting

like bee” I said. “i get spill over for IMSU” I added.

One thing we all had in common was that we

were all Spill over students that were nursing our

wounds far from our sch premises. But i

wondered why God used Pkc to bring us together.

Maybe God had a plan for us, so i tot.

Now it was food time, and there was one person

that haven’t yet introduced himself; the person

that was cooking in the Kitchen.

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