The Man Wey Dey Reason Part 2

“Ehnnn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop, if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle” A not too short and not too chubby guy introduced himself. “i be the Ibo boy wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto know me sef” he added after arranging the plates
of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up in Sokoto because his skin was as black as
charcoal. I knew all these guys as my church members, but I never knew them by their names, sometimes I always saw them with Pkc in church, but my relationship with them was just a “hello-hi”
relationship. They were my friends from a distance that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot.
Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge was called Ozommiri lodge. We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam. The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While the rest of us ate in two’s. “Man wey dey reason!!” Snoop hailed “dis ur food make sense oh”. I saw from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was eating with so much speed, despite the fact that the food was piping hot. “dis food no dey burn dis
guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?” i said that out of my mind’s mouth. “Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with u again oh” Man complained. “na me tell u say make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na, abi u dey fear?” Baba jay responded. “God forbid bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be man, i wan be woman” Man said as he tried increasing his pace. I had never lived in the same room with six guys all my life, so i was already savouring the euphoria of the relationship. Time to sleep, the bed was made. “na who go sleep for ground na?” Man asked. “Man just sleep for ground today abeg, tomorrow we go write the timetable for people wey go dey sleep for
ground” Pkc said. “dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey write timetable for, to cook na timetable,
to wash plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una wan write timetable” Tega said. “E good na, so quarel no go dey na” Baba jay said. We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before we started falling asleep one after the other. I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was the kind of funny house i would spend the next one year in. I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep me company just as he always did when we were
at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle of the night. I never knew a non-stop “thundering” sound and a “killing” stench would keep me
company that night. Braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa braaaaaaaaa!!” was what i heard. To be sincere, I initially thought it was thunder or maybe someone was
beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned left to take my first dose of the stench. Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other
a’nus but Baba jay’s a’nus for the fart “crime”.
I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but
also through my mouth because my mouth was
ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake,
Pkc was even snoring. “braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa
broooo!!” i heard another deafening fart. This
time the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a
force to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not
only was my stomach spinning, my eyes were
spinning also. I felt Something dangling in my
lower abdomen, was it my kidney? “yeeeeh! So
naso mess go make person get kidney failure?
God forbid!!” i said to myself “God! Man pekin go
suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis” i cried
out with both hands on my nose.
The room was dark and hot, i couldn’t see clearly.
10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding
when, “braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa” Baba
Jay gave me another dose.
I hurriedly went close to the window in other to
revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use
because the smell had clouded not only the room,
but outside.
“na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award
for Guiness book of record for the world best
mess” i remembered how Baba Jay introduced
himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of
records award for the world best fart, he also
deserved to be given a Grammy award, because
his fart was really Good music.
All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me
“overdosed”. It was like an elixir that cured the
insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby.
“Everybody, how was ur night?” Pkc asked the
next morning, “mine was disastrious” i said out of
my mind’s mouth.
“its time for morning devotion, Flow would lead
us in praise and worship while Man would lead us
in prayers” Pkc said, “why me na, i no get voice oh,
the mess wey Baba jay give me chop last nite don
make my voice dry oh” i almost said.
“worthy, u are worthy, king of kings lord of lords,
u are worthy” i began. I sang one song for
5minutes before i could think of another song. I
totally forgot songs, my brain went blank.
Now it was time for prayers. Funniest prayer ever.
“Baba God, how far, how heaven today” Man
began, “thank u for the match wey Chelsea win
yesterday, Baba God i say make i ask u oh, shey u
be Chelsea fan?” he continued, “Baba, i thank u
say me and my guys dey alive to see today, Baba
give me strength as i dey go mix rice and beans
today, in Jesus name” he concluded “Amen!” we
responded. “Man wey dey reason!!” they cheered
him. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a prayer,
but i promised myself i would later ask him the
meaning of “mix rice and beans”. “Man u need to
learn how to pray oh, that thing u just did now is
no prayer” Pkc said.
“if any of una wan carry woman come house, how
him go do am?” i asked Snoop as we sat outside
discussing that morning. “guy we dey carry am go
Tupac and Bigie room” he responded pointing at a
room at the extreme of the lodge. “we no dey let
Pkc know oh, because if him know, him go vex
well well, him no dey like dat kin thing” Snoop
added. “make we go there make Tupac and Bigie
see u and Brainbox” Snoop said. As we walked
towards Tupac and Bigie’s room, i saw from the
corner of my eyes that, Tega and Man were going
out, so Snoop asked, “Tega u dey travel?”, because
Tega was holding a bag. “yes, i wan enter warri”
Tega responded. There was no need to ask Man
where he was going to, it was obvious he wanted
to go mix rice and beans.
“Man, how far you don come back?” Baba Jay said
that evening. “ehn i don come, food dey house?”
Man asked, “food no dey oh, na Golden Morn we
drink” Snoop responded. When he said Golden
Morn, he never meant Nestle Golden Morn, he
meant Garri Golden Morn. When u drink Garri in
that house, you would simply say u drank Golden
Morn. It was the code name. I came to realize that
there were so many code names that i needed to
know their meanings. Code names like; mix rice
and beans.
“ehen, Man wetin be the meaning of mix rice and
beans sef?” i asked. “mix rice and beans mean say
to mix cement and gravel a.k.a to carry kponkpon”
Man said. “so na kponkpon work u dey do?”
Brainbox said, “yes oh, and the thing dey give me
money no be small, sometimes na me dey feed
dis house na” He added. “nahim u no tell us make
we follow u go?” i said. “i don tell Baba jay and
snoop before na, Baba jay say him too old for dat
kin job, snoop say him no fit carry kponkpon for
dis him fine hair wey him plait” Man said.
“guy we go follow u go tommorow oh” I said. “una
fit work? No be small work oh?” Man cautioned.
“na me be Brainbox wey get power, and dis my
guy na super Flow, u no see him chest?” Brainbox
said pointing at my broad chest.
Ozimmiri lodge was more of a family house than
a students hotel. Small but mighty. Our
neighbours were:
Mama and Papa Ejima; The young couple that had
a Four year old identical twin boys; Daniel and
David. Mama Ejima was so beautiful that the
moment i saw her i instantly had a crush on her,
but i dare not make any move because her
husband was a heavy weight boxer.
Mama Ejima was not as beautiful as Kate. The
delectable Drop dead gorgeous Kate. She was so
S’exy that the sight of her “mouth watering” a’ss
from a distance could make not only one d’ick,
but several d’ick to doff their hats, not to talk of
her coming close, “u go just release”. She was our
next door neighbour. She was very S’exy, but no
guy in the compound dare asked her out because
she was the perfect description of “u can admire
but u can have”. She was a “runs” babe that deals
mainly on Sugardaddies, “she no even get our
time sef”. I was told the whole guys(except Pkc)
went on a bet that whoever would sleep with her
would recieve 5k each from other guys. I and
Brainbox joined in the bet because we were sure
no guy from that compound would see Kate’s
panties, not even in dream world. Or so i tot.
Another neighbour we had was Tupac and Bigie.
These two guys had stuck to each other like bee to
nectar right from their childhood days. They
attended the same primary, secondary and higher
institution, and they were still staying together
searching for job. If i was told that they were the
reincarnation of American rappers, Tupac and
Biggie, i would believe, because they really looked
like them. Infact their lives were just the picture
perfect lives of Tupac and Biggie, because
inasmuch as they were close friends and
roomates, they were always at loggerheads. I only
wished a “Faith Evans” wouldn’t walk into their
lives pretty soon.
We also had Haruna and his wife Nkiru as
neighbours. Haruna doubled as the security man
and the caretaker of the compound. I was told he
had been into the security business since he was
Seven. A business that had carried him far and
wide Nigeria. He brags about marrying three
wives. One Ibo, One Yoruba, and One Hausa. The
Yoruba Lady, he Married when he was in Ibadan.
The Hausa Lady was in the north. While the Ibo
Lady was staying with him, her name was Nkiru.
Nkiru!! Oh Nkiru!! Nkiru was the u’gliest woman i
ever came across. She looked more like a wild
animal. Infact, it was better i died than marrying
such a “vampire”. I wondered what Haruna say in
her that made him marry her, well, like they say:
“beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder”. Infact
the only beautiful thing about Nkiru was that she
owns the provision store outside our compound. A provision store that guys wanted to run down with L101 and L102. L was a code name for looting. While 101 meant “one person” and 102 meant “two persons”, so L101 meant looting that involves one person, while L102 meant looting that involves two persons.Watch out for Part 3